Managing holiday stress
The holidays can be a wonderful and magical time for people filled with joy and happiness. But they can also be a really intense time of the year due to family dynamics, monetary stress, reminders of grief and loss, and seasonal mood changes. If you are noticing some anticipation and nervousness over how to manage the holidays this year, this article is for you. Here are some concrete tips that I even use myself at this time of year.
1) Connect to your values
The holidays mean different things to different people. For some, it’s a time of religious observation and pensive reflection. For others, it’s the one time of the year that all their family can actually see each other. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on how you want to see it, there is a finite amount of time around the holidays to do all the things that we want to do.
Before fully launching into the holiday season, it can be helpful to take a moment to yourself to reflect on what is really important to you at this time of year. I encourage you to actually write this list down and make it visible to yourself. This might include bigger concepts or values that are important to you, such as family engagement, or it could be smaller, concrete goals like putting up festive decorations. Take a moment to think about whatever that is and list it out. Here’s an example of what that might look like:
spending time with loved ones
family events
time with friends
engaging in holiday activities I enjoy
go see a lights show
go ice skating
relaxing
watch winter movies
sit by a fireplace
reflect on how the year went
journal about my accomplishments in the year
Your list will probably be more specific to the people, places, and specific holidays that are important to you, but this should help get you started. It starts with bigger concepts as the main bullet points and then subpoints for more specific goals that align with those values.
If you need some help identifying what is important to you, here is a list of common values to help inspire you.
(Please note that I am not affiliated with this site.)
2) Adjust your expectations of yourself and others
Self
Once you have that list created, you might notice it’s kind of long. It’s easy to expect a lot out of ourselves and others at this time of year. There’s so much to do and not a ton of time to do it. It’s important to be realistic. We aren’t superhuman and we often can’t do it all. That’s why it’s important to start with values to truly understand what is important to us.
Once we have our list created, we need to ask ourselves if it’s actually doable to complete every single item on that list. Maybe it is, in which case great job for being reasonable with yourself! If you’re anything like me though, that list is far longer than what you can realistically accomplish.
Take a moment to prioritize the list. Maybe you want to actually number it and rank each item based on importance or maybe you just break the list into groups such as, “non-negotiable,” “important to do but can live without,” and “optional” (or something like that).
While it can be really hard to feel like certain things won’t be able to be done, it’s more important to take care of yourself so you’re actually able to enjoy the things you’re doing rather than do all the things but not enjoy any of them because you’re so stressed out.
I know for myself, I have a habit of staying up extremely late around the holidays to get everything done. While this used to work well for me in previous years and I enjoyed the feeling of accomplishment (picture me in college staying up until 3am to finish all the hand-made gifts that I felt I just had to make), as I get older I’m realizing I value my sleep and self-care more, so I make the active choice to do less of certain things in order to better enjoy the things I am choosing to do (for me this looks like only making 1 type of cookie instead of baking up a storm all night long). Values shift over time and that is totally ok. It’s important that we adjust our expectations as those values change.
Others
Just like we’re working on being more gentle and realistic with ourselves, we have to give others that same courtesy. It’s easy to expect certain patterns or traditions during the holidays. As we acknowledge that we change over time, we need to acknowledge that others change too. We never really know what others are going through but the holidays can be stressful for most people.
We can take a moment to reflect on what we are hoping to get out of others at this time of year. Maybe it’s the amount of time you hope to spend with someone, the food you hope to share, or the people you’re able to see. Make a list of your hopes and wants. (This is a bit different than the prioritized list we made above but you can add this to that list if that makes the most sense to you.) Once you have that list, think about if that’s reasonable to expect from the people who would be involved in that. Maybe someone had a baby this year or has to work on the holiday so they’re not able to make it or they have less time to spare. While that’s certainly disappointing, if one of our values is being with loved ones, we can also engage in that value by showing them respect and understanding of their situation.
If you work with me in therapy or have in the past, you know that one of the things I say the most is, “We can only control ourselves.” Think about how you can adjust your actions. Maybe this means verbally communicating your expectations to others. Maybe it looks like buying yourself the gift you didn’t get what you hoped for. Maybe it means making time after the holidays to see the people you weren’t able to see. Take a moment to go back to your list of wants from others and explore ways you can shift your thoughts, expectations, and behaviors as needed.
3) Engage in self-care
Self-care looks different to everyone. It’s really important to do those things we know are good for ourselves, especially when stress is high. Often, those are the first things to go out the window when we’re stressed, but they really should be what’s prioritized.
Maybe your self-care is getting enough sleep (my neverending goal). Maybe it’s drinking enough water or eating consistent meals.
3.1) Do some gentle movement
Moving our bodies is so good for us. There’s so much data to support physical activity being good for our mental health. I won’t get on that soapbox now, but there’s definitely something to be said for incorporating daily movement into stressful times.
Depending on where you live, it might be really cold and hard to be active in the way you want to be. Or maybe you have a lot of family around and your usual exercise time is taken over by family events. Whatever the reason, try to find alternative ways to move around a bit. Movement is so helpful to manage stress and you’ll feel a lot better. It doesn’t need to be anything major either, it can be some bed yoga before you get out of bed or before you go to sleep. Or you can get others involved and make it a family event by doing winter sports or activities outside.
3.2) Create consistency wherever you can
Whether you’re hosting, visiting friends and family across the country, or going to holiday events locally, odds are your routine is disturbed at this time of year. While that can be fun and exciting to do different things, those small changes, even when positive, can really contribute to stress.
Try to think about ways you can create any kind of consistency in your routine. Maybe that’s making sure you’re eating at the meal times you usually eat at (blood sugar fluctuations can mimic symptoms of anxiety or you might be someone who gets hangry). Maybe that looks like keeping a consistent sleep and wake time. Maybe it’s making sure you have a little time to yourself in the day. I know for me the consistent bedtime is hard, but I do my best to eat consistently, bring food to accommodate my dietary restrictions to holiday parties, and make time to read for fun every day. That sense of consistency can be really comforting at a time of year when there’s a lot going on.
3.3) Set boundaries with others
You might be thinking at this point, “Well that’s great, Sanjli, that you can set aside time to read every day, but my family needs me” or “I overscheduled myself and definitely don’t have time to be active or have any kind of consistent schedule.” I totally hear you and I often feel the same way. The only way these things are possible is to set boundaries with others. (A topic that will likely be it’s own whole post someday soon.)
The key points with boundaries are we are setting boundaries with others, but coming back to “we can only control ourselves,” it really means we set boundaries with ourselves and rely on ourselves to follow through on what we say.
This might mean saying no to the extra holiday party or telling your family that you’ll bring 1 dish to the family get-together, but not cook the whole thing. Whatever is realistic and doable for you. The key is to communicate it to others and hold yourself accountable to follow through when they push you to not have the boundary (which they probably will).
Boundaries don’t have to be big and they don’t have to feel pushy. Maybe it can look like setting a budget for gifts if you exchange with people. One way I set boundaries at the holidays is also in line with my way of creating consistency. I bring my own food to accommodate my allergies and I don’t let people push me into eating something I can’t. It’s a simple way to take care of myself but it sets the boundary and goes a long way.
Take some time to reflect on those situations where you find yourself frustrated and overwhelmed. What does that look like? What are others asking of you in that moment? Where do you feel you have some wiggle room to make sure you’re taking care of yourself first? You can start small and just pick 1 boundary you want to set this year.
4) Get professional help
Sometimes we have more than just holiday stress going on. It’s common for a variety of concerns to worsen during this time, such as increased anxiety, increased symptoms of depression (especially due to seasonal changes in light and temperature), changes in symptoms of bipolar disorder (light exposure plays a big role in symptoms), and a resurgence in eating disorder symptoms (the emphasis on richer holiday foods can be triggering for some people). Maybe it’s just that you need someone to talk to who isn’t a family member about your family. Whatever it is that you have going on, don’t be afraid to reach out to a professional for support.
Best of luck and happy holidays!
Disclaimer:
The content on this blog is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy or medical advice. For personalized care, please consult a licensed therapist or healthcare provider. For more details, please read our full Blog Disclaimer.
